5 Fashion Do's

*YAWN.....Ok gals, I've had a nice nap from my blog, but now I've got some fashion caffeine that's got me hoppin', and I want to share the energy with you!
      Here's what I've got today. I was just reading the four-hundred-millionth article on how to dress different body types. It was very nice. It was very polite and hopeful, but it was also a little confusing and I didn't agree with all of it. I thought "I bet my gals wouldn't mind if I offered just a few, like 5, pointers on how to navigate through fashion". So here goes!
       Now plop down on your sofa and stick the spoon right into the Nutella jar and let's get down to business.

Rule #1:  Buy things that actually fit you. Well how can I KNOW that they fit, Sarah? The cuts of things nowadays are so weird to me. My 90's Kelly Kapowski stone-washed jeans felt NOTHING like those Seven for All Missing Me whatchamacall'ems! Well, darling, This is what I mean. Your Kelly Kapowski's, the Seven for All Mankind or the Miss Me's (you're welcome for detangling those) are cut differently, but they are all cut intentionally.
PANTS and SKIRTS
       As far as pants or skirts go, follow this rule first and foremost: NO puckering or cupping. Even a snuggly cut party dress will lie flat against the curve of your bum. Stretching across the front also gives the appearance that you have a paunch when you may not - or at least not one that big. Pants should not reveal your cheeks in the back either at the top or the bottom. NO ONE looks good in pants that look like they're.....well......something your cheeks are snacking on. I don't know how else to say it. It's gross. The same rule applies to the front view. Check it. Do the world and just check before you leave the house. And....crack kills; crack is whack. We don't want to see yours.
      The second rule for pants and skirts is: sagging pants are for diapered babies - not grown ladies. Even the blousy Kelly Kapowski's fell in a graceful way. If the back seam of your pants extends more than 1 inch past your crotch, you should either congratulate yourself for losing the weight you've been trying to lose or slap yourself for buying pants that look like you're a 9 year old trying desperately to fit into your big sister's clothes. If you are short and get bunchy legs syndrome a lot, you can try paying more for more precisely sized clothes (petite shops and such) or pay to get a tailor. If you visit one regularly and establish a relationship, you may be able to do trades on things or get special deals for being such a good customer. Yes, people still do things like that all the time, and no, wearing capri pants as regular length pants doesn't fool ANYONE!
SHIRTS and JACKETS
         Ok, this is where things can get tricky. The basic same rules apply. If it's supposed to cover your belly or boobies and it doesn't, it's too small. Give it away. If there are buttons, they should not look like they're about to pop open. I know that makes is so hard for busty babes like me to find button-downs, doesn't it? Here's a trick that might work in a pinch: buy in the little boys' department (for solid white or blue or black - no crazy mascu-what what designs) or in the mens' department. Women's shirts are cut like an inverted triangle. Men's shirts are cut like a rectangle with even a tiny bit more of give in the torso area. This can fit nicely through the shoulders and bust and look just fine with a quick tuck in. If you are super ambitious, measure the sides while you still have the shirt on and pin how far in the sides need to come. It is a lot easier to bring in the sides of a shirt than it is to bring in the shoulders which brings me to my next point. If the shoulders of the shirt extend more than 1/2 an inch past your shoulders, that shirt is too big. I'm sorry. It's just not going to work. Well, what about "boyfriend" styles and whatnot? Gal, they are just that "styles". If you hold up an actual men's sweater to a boyfriend style, you will be able to see slight differences. This is more important in woven materials than it is knits anyway.

Rule #2: Buy things that are current or progressive. Sarah, I know I have worn the same style of jeans/shorts/shoes, etc. since high school, but they're classic. Besides, I JUST bought these/this. They sell it at fill-in-the-blank-store-name!.........no....you keep using that word, but I don't think you understand the meaning of that word. Here it is according to Wikipedia:
Classic:

Adjective Judged over a period of time to be of the highest quality and outstanding of its kind.

Noun A work of art of recognized and established value.

Clothes are never classic. The mere nature of fashion itself is that it is constantly dynamic. Think about the color green. The popularity of different shades or tones has not transcended time. You KNOW you have seen a shade of green that made you think of something not so lovely. This also applies to shapes of every article of clothing or accessory......all of them. Classic is a style; not fashion. (Read my other blog post to learn the difference) Do NOT keep wearing the same style of anything after everyone else around you has stopped. Just don't. No one is asking you to look like an extra from Zoolander, but, if you are reading this post, that means you have some shred of desire to be fashionably current. So swallow your pride and throw away those weird old sandals. They are weird, and you know it.

Rule# 3: Do not buy the same article of anything in more than one color. Ok, you can get away with 2 of the same thing, but do not wear them back to back, and do not exceed 2. Life does not require a uniform, unless it does, in which case, one will probably be issued to you. But Sarah! I work at a salon/store/daycare/my house! I have to wear so MUCH black/khaki/jersey! NO! No you don't! You are not Mr. Rogers! You can buy lots of the same color, but not 5 of the same sweater or t-shirt. No. You get one life of fashion. Put that 3rd shirt right back on the rounder before you dig your fashion grave!
 
Rule #4: If it's non-sale price is super cheap, it probably looks like that's how much it's worth. But Sarah! I'm broke! I do not have the cash to wander the mall! Two words - clear-ance. Two more words: thrift store. I have clothed myself into a more than full closet by hunting the 70% off racks at Target and the 85% off racks at Kohls. I may dress a little crazy sometimes, but ain't nobody tellin me my clothes ugly! Listen, a $4.00 shirt from Wal-Mart or a $45 shirt that's only going to COST $4.00 are two different creatures, and you know that's true. Plus, a better made items will last much longer and need to be replaced less often, so - cheaper in the long run. WHAT!! I just schooled ya. Consider yourself schooled. Getcho self a passing grade now, gurr! Now, this does not mean that ALL super discount things cannot be used, but using them sparingly is fashion smarter.

Rule #5: Love it. Your body, I mean. Dress yourself. Don't try to be something you're not. If you are tall, your clothes will not make you appear shorter. If you are short, wearing pants that are too long will not make people think "Oh wow! That tall person was so lucky to find pants that were too long!". If you are skinny, wearing clothes that are too big will not make people think that you are fleshier, and if you are thick, wearing clothes with a certain number on the size tag will not make you that size. Be you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made!!! You are pretty great, and remember, EVERY woman has beauty!

Now get out there and do some closet purgin!