Please Return to Tiffany&Co.

         Hey gals, hope you're all making great use of your week.  Mine has been a little cray-cray, but se la vie, right? 
         I wanted to share something with you - something wonderful....and then something else.  When I was at my sister's house for Christmas, I was handed a square box. I tore off the ribbon and the paper to find....another box. I looked at my mother thinking "Oh Mawm, making a gift look bigger by using multiple boxes isn't any better than putting a big wax "6" on the cake for my 23rd birthday because 2x3=6." I just kept opening because she looked very excitedly expectant. After opening the second box and taking out the paper, I saw.....another box, but when I saw this third box, my jaw dropped. I had been dreaming for YEARS of seeing a box like this. You know the kind that I'm talking about. That kind....is blue - Tiffany blue, to be exact. My heart started palpitating. My hands began to shake and my cheeks began their flush-when-you're-excited-or-upset-or-nervous. My mom and sister (the givers) sat with joyous satisfaction as I lifted it tenderly out of box #2. I opened the top, lifted the smooth, blue pouch and peeked inside - a heart-shaped pendant bearing the signature Please Return to Tiffany&Co motif. I held up the bauble to each person's eyes so they could see what caused such a reaction. Somewhere in the room full of my family, someone asked "Why does it say Please Return to Tiffany'&Co". I thought for a minute and realized I didn't know the answer. I said "Y'know what? I don't know." and then decided I'd find out later, but for now, this thing was goin on my neck.
        Since that day, I've loved that little necklace so much, I didn't even take it off for a couple weeks. I wanted to feel fancy even when I was showering! I did end up removing it and placing it where I place jewelry for save-keeping in my bathroom. Here:

I look at it every time I go into the bathroom and enjoy every bit of it's shiny, sterling glory thinking about the journey it made from Holly Go-Lightly's favorite hang out to my hands. (I realize it probably wasn't manufactured at the flagship location, but we all need a little fantasy!) I read the engraved message and think about the times I've wondered if those words weren't meant to be like the care instructions on a piece of clothing. Please return the WEARER to Tiffany's - absolutely every time you can manage to do so, for THAT is where she belongs.
       Then my "Literal Lucy" (a nickname my beauty school chum, Shea bestowed upon me) brain said, "Sarah, you should really find out the REAL reason the jewelry says that so you don't keep seeming uncultured or ignorant." So I set to work. I Googled, I Binged, I Yahooed. There wasn't any concrete information. All I could find were "answers" on Ask.com by people who couldn't be considered to be an authority on the subject. Pages and pages of other people's surmisings and gossip. No Tiffany authorities. Wikipedia didn't even say anything remotely related to the popular phrase in the company's line. Then I thought, "Oh, duh. Just go to Tiffany&Co. themselves."
I navigated to the company's website and clicked around....and around and around and around. There was absolutely nothing. I even watched a video that included information about their founder for whom the company was named, Charles Tiffany. It said nothing of the origin of the phrase. I mean, I realize you don't want to put all your marketing dollars into your lower priced pieces, but a sentence or two would keep people from starting gossip and devaluing the finery of the 175 year old company.
       Nothing.
      What about calling the store? I decided that, being mid-January, I might not be too much of a bother with a question that could be as quickly answered as mine. It's probably their most commonly asked question. They probably have a person for this ONE question, it's so frequently asked. The man who answered sounded like he was at a desk, in a cube (maybe just some dude workin a job - not someone who cares much of fashion history). He didn't know the answer but said he would transfer me to the customer relations department where another man picked up.  This was our conversation:

Me: Hi! I received for Christmas a silver pendant and chain with the Please Return to Tiffany&Co. design on it, and someone asked me the question of where the design came from (I was nervous to be calling TIFFANY&CO. so I was rambling a little). I didn't know, so I was just like "Oh! Wull, I'll just call Tiffany's themselves! heh...."

Him: Yeah, it's just a desoin. (his thick New York City accent erased any doubt that I'd reached the Wall St. store) It doesn't really mean anything (well it HAD to mean something at SOME point. why is it there?) I mean, we don't really get pieces retoined except some of the key chains. The key chains have serial numbuhs on 'em, so they can be retoined, but the othuh pieces, nao."

Me: (why isn't he answering my question. Did I sound like I wanted to return my necklace? NO WAY, BUD! I LOVE this thing!) Ok....so like....originally it was placed on pieces that COULD be returned to the store?

Him: I mean, naht really. It's just a desoin. (The tone of this last sentence sounded like a summarization - like he was done talking, so I politely obliged despite my annoyance at feeling like I had just been treated like a 9 year old lifting with tiny, unsteady hands a crystal vase to the light in a department store)

Me: Ok. Well thank you!

Him: uhkay, boye (He was laying the phone down before he was even finished speaking)

       Well, gals, anyone who knows me well knows that I don't like no for an answer unless your reason is really, really good AND you explained your reason to me really, really well. I DID call the flagship store, so maybe he was a bit snooty, or maybe I just caught someone at a bad time with a question that wasn't as important as what they were working on before the phone rang.
I looked for another number. I found the customer service number at the bottom of the website (sometimes they hide them). I double checked to make sure it wasn't the same number as the one listed for the store and then hoped that all calls weren't routed to the same place until someone decided you "got" to speak to a store associate. I dialed. A girl answered. She sounded very......rehearsed....and a little nervous, even. (I pictured her sitting in a row of cubicles at the end of which stands a burly, greasy haired man whose tap on the shoulder indicates unspoken instructions for you to immediately collect your things and leave, never to darken the door of another Tiffany&Co. establishment) I began to feel nervous too.  In spite of it, I presented her with my question. Here was my conversation with her:

Me (the sound of my words starting to sound strange after repeating them so many times): Yes, I received a Tiffany's necklace for Christmas blah, blah, blah...pretty close to exactly what I said to the guy at the flagship store

Girl: uh-h-h (my question actually has her voice beginning to falter) well-l-l-l, we have an archives department that can help you with tha-

Me: Oh YEAH! That's who I need to talk to! Yeah.

Girl: b-b-b-ut, the thing is....um..would you be able to take a picture of the piece you have becau- (I cut her off as she begins her explanation thinking that she's going to tell me what I learned the hard way when I asked the store clerk at their Waikiki store if he could clean my ring - if they can't authenticate a piece as coming from them (the holy mother of Tiffany's manufactury), they.....won't....touch it)

Me: SURE!

Girl: oh-h-kay (her breath is catching now, as if she might cry. I'm not lying! I imagine the man glaring at her while she tries not to let her eyes meet his from around her headset phone) well, the things is...they don't answer the calls. They just....um...well you leave a message and then they contact you back

Me: (I'm SO confused as to why they would bother to invest the time and money in paying people to volley customers from department to department over a very straightforward and frequently asked question....but, if that's how they do it to keep things "fancy", I'll go along) Oh...well that's fine. Can you transfer me?

Girl: y-y-yes. I'll transfer you-u-u (her voice trails off strangely and we are disconnected. I picture her defeatedly removing her headset and doing a remarkably fast inventory of her belongings so she can collect them before the oil-haired man's fingertip reaches her shoulder. In my mental Tiffany&Co. call center, I see the man give the tap. She closes shaking hands around her coat and handbag and efficiently rises from her chair and hurries out of the building without looking anyone in the face. She needs no explanation. She failed. She let someone get to the Archives department)

       By this point, I'm weirded out. This makes no sense. I try to make sense of the information, or lack thereof, that I've been given as I wait on hold for the archives department's automated system to pick up my call. These reactions were so strange. I mean, they are not a totally private company. They have stockholders. They are a revered brand, but I wasn't asking about anything that isn't presented to the naked eye. Had I asked from whom they buy their diamonds or what their manufacturing equipment included, I could understand hearing that word that I loathe - no. But "Hey! A whole bunch of your less-than-$500 jewelry says Please Return to Tiffany&Co. on it. In fact, you folks have sold stuff that sported that phrase for a while now. Why does it say that? Where'd that come from?", doesn't seem like it would reveal any trade secrets. SOME non-employee at SOME point knew why it was there. Otherwise, why would it ever have been purchased - let alone purchased with popularity to this magnitude?
 My mind's eye conjures up more images. I see a mouth as it begins to curl....in slow motion....to form the words to the explanation, ignorant of the devastating effects to follow. As sounds crosses over the lips of this mouth, everyone employed throughout the entire Tiffany&Co. empire acquires the super-human ability to cancel out all other noise in the world and listen with unwavering focus to the oblivious employee speaking their slow motion words. The lights flicker in every Tiffany&Co. store and office space in the whole world. Plaster begins to crack, powdering onto the meticulously polished glass cases and onto the floors. Workers begin to scramble and, within minutes, the entire Tiffany&Co disintegrates into thin air leaving behind only the dust covered employees. All the building materials, all the merchandise, everyone's desks and all the jewelry counters.....gone. Totally and eternally gone. Their collective, murderous gaze snaps to the bewildered phone agent to who's name history will forever attribute the demise of the 175 year old company.
A ring on the other line wakes me from my imaginings. The automated voice begins to offer options with correlating numbers.

Voice: You have reached the archives at Tiffany&Company. In an effort to serve our customers more efficiently, our menu options have changed. Please listen for the option that relates to your interest. To return to the main menu at any time, please press 0. As this department functions as the company's primay research facility, there is no one available to return telephone calls. After you have made your selection, you are welcome to leave your mailing address at the prompt. You will be contact via post mail only......

I listened as the business like voice informs me that, basically, if you want any information from them, you have to send a request. They will receive your request and then decide whether or not to entrust you with the answers. They will not even provide appraisals for an authenticated Tiffany&Co. piece. You can send a request (with clear photographs) to the evaluations department, but the most that will get you is general replacement values.  If you are not a museum or "engaging in scholarly research", obtaining any information about Tiffany&Co history or information about a Tiffany&Co sterling silver or other jewelry piece, there is a $1000 non-refundable fee.....just for one simple question.  Were I a betting woman, I'd also wager that, included in anything that actually IS made available to you, there is an equally intriguing....shall we say....gag order.
So, why DOES the line from Tiffany&Co  say Please Return to Tiffany&Co? Well, darling, that question is something for which they charge $1000 to dissuade many from it's mere asking. They don't even allow anyone in the archives department to speak directly with....outsiders.  They only screen messages. Why is it so secret? Why are they so tight-lipped? Why are things surrounding the answer to this so sensitive that the very asking of the questions is nearly forbidden??  They won't tell me. I suppose it's something that those within the hallowed walls of the Tiffany&Co empire quite possibly need to remain....a mystery.
I have no choice but to shrug and move on. But......if you ever find me wandering - looking as though I need help finding my way......just follow the  polite, shiny instructions fastened  round my neck.......